recovery

Firstly happy New Year to everyone, this is going to be a good one!

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to write and update everyone, but here I am now. Well as you all know I had surgery Dec 10th, so it is almost 5 weeks (how time flies when you are having fun!)and I am on the road to healing physically, having a harder time emotionally, but I'll get there.

On to the surgery part first, my hospital experience was pretty good, had a private room which was nice(helped set up by Steve my old assistant manager). Dawn Marie stayed overnight with me, which was a great comfort and help, as the nurses sadly weren't too helpful. Pre op, the nurse was unable to get my IV and had 3 attempts in my foot, a painful area, however another nurse managed to get it. The recovery room nurse was great, caring and kind, the floor nurses were okay, efficient enough but not too caring. I had to ask for drains to be emptied and never once was my pain addressed, I always had to ask for medication. I was in hospital one day, I could have stayed 2 nights but felt it would be better to sleep in my own bed, as I was now taking oral pain medication and oral antibiotics. Dawn Marie again stayed with me, what a friend . Onto pain, well as you can imagine I was pretty sore for a while and it was difficult getting comfortable and sleeping well. I took pain medications for about 4 days and 5 nights, wanted to get off the stuff as soon as was able being the martar that I am. I had bilateral drains in for 2 weeks and they were removed Xmas eve, they were more uncomfortable than anything and a pain in the neck as I couldn't really wear anything as they had to be tucked into my pants.

As for the surgery itself, the procedure seemed to go okay, can't say I like what I see, in fact absolutely hate what I see but it is what it is, and had to be done in order to survive. During surgery the left breast was removed and sent with the one sentinel node(first node that drains from the breast)to pathology, and as expected was negative for cancer as it was the prophylactic side. The right breast, I found out 5 days later, still had 4 positive nodes,(she removed 19 in total). She knew during surgery that the sentinel node was still positive and therefore removed quite a few so as to be on the safe side. When I found out about the pathology results I was pretty upset, as I expected to have negative nodes after 6 months of chemo, MRI results, clinical results and oncologists projection. The breast also had scatted areas which I did expect based on MRI. So here we go again I thought, I anticipated doing more chemo and possibly radiation. Saw the Oncologist a few days later and he stated he was initially disappointed when he heard , but that he looked at the slides and the cancer grade had now changed from high and aggressive to intermediate and he didn't anticipate more chemo and no radiation. What sweet words these were. Truly after getting the results that was the first time that I actually thought that I might die and not beat this, however my oncologist reassured me that I have a 90% chance of survival and if there is spread or recurrence it will take about 5 years he projected, to show. So now on with living. Once you have a cancer diagnosis there are never any guarantees, however none of us have a life guarantee and living each day as if it is your last is a good philosophy, although I can't say I've been doing that, but I will.

So what next, 5 years of hormone suppression, so now I'm going to be a bitch with hair that will now grow on my chin and everywhere I don't want it!! We also talked about a drug that has been shown to improve survival and increase remission, it is given once IV every 6 months, costs about $1,000 and not covered by insurance as its not approved for this type of care, it's approved for treatment of bony metastasis and osteoporosis. Anyway, I will do whatever it takes and will just have to figure it into my monthly expenses.

My surgical sites, or as Fiona calls them, my battle scars, are healing although I was, and still am, a little concerned about the wound on the left, as the site opened up a little and the color isn't great,a little dusky. As a result we haven't done any stretching yet as he wants to wait until it has definitely healed before putting any stress on the area.Hopefully we can start stretching process this week. I am still really numb all across chest, part of sternum and right axilla(armpit) and underside of upper arm. They say it is often 6 months before feeling to arm etc returns, although the chest will remain as is. My range of motion in my left arm is pretty good but the right side is still pretty stiff and uncomfortable. The whole chest area is still uncomfortable, not pain just uncomfortable and I'm very aware of all movement. Hopefully it won't be too long before I feel and look normal again. My hair is beginning to grow and I need to now shave my legs, why does it always grow in the places we don't want it to. The color of my hair, my head hair that is, is beautiful white, just like snow, so will be using a little loving care or some other product pretty soon. no eye brows yet, but they are starting to grow as are the eyelashes.

Still off work and planning on returning mid or end Feb. Can't say I'm looking forward to going back and working my ass off during busy chaotic winter months. I miss the people but not the place.

I have been rather down since New Year but now have my trip to look forward to. My work colleagues were very, very generous and collected over $700 for a trip away for me, so I am going to Paris and Barcelona for 8 days in 3 weeks. Told you I was going to start living. The best part is I am going with my 2 best friends, Dawn Marie and Sandra, who I've known since I was 14, can't ask for any better.

So now it is really all about recovering and getting back to normal. Hope you are all well. Thanks to everyone for their prayers, flowers, food, good wishes etc, really it would all have been unbearable without everyone's support.

almost there

Sorry its been awhile since I posted, things have been rather hectic since I stopped work 2 weeks ago.Have had lots of Dr appointments and tests, some in preparation for surgery and some to follow up after chemo. The best thing however is my MRI results, which shows the previous enlarged lymph nodes are now gone and in the breast there are only 2 small 1/2 cm tumors left, which may even represent scar tissue and not cancer, we won't really know until they look under microscope at surgery time. Amazing since it was so large before.It shows I had a great response to chemo, so although it was tough it did what it was supposed to do.

Surgery is Wednesday and I'm not looking forward to it, I want the cancer gone and to be cured which I believe will happen,I just wish that I didn't have to loose my breasts in order to achieve it. One day they will come up with something different. Although this has been tough there are a lot worse things out there, and if you have to get cancer, breast is a better one to get because the cure rate is so much better than it used to be.It is however, still the leading cause of death in my age group due to the fact that at this age we are not plagued with other illnesses and are generally healthy. Hopefully everyone is up to date on their mammograms, early detection is the key.

So what else have I been doing apart from running to appointments, well had a lovely Thanksgiving and went to Coronado to see my Aunt and Uncle. My Aunt however gave us all a scare as she woke up with chest pain and we ended up in the ER at 1am, they however discharged her later in the day after doing cardiac enzymes and a treadmill and follow up instructions for further testing as an outpatient. She at least got to be home and enjoy Thanksgiving dinner.I have also been trying to get organized for Xmas and of coarse managed to buy lots of things for me and the house, not too many other gifts however, so now I'm stressed as I only really have a few days to do that and I have no idea what to get for people.

My Dad arrived yesterday, and will be here for 3 weeks so that will be nice,although I'm not sure that it is going to be too much fun for him as he's not able to drive here,(doesn't want to drive)so he can't get out and about. At least the weather is better here than in Scotland at the present, so he may just enjoy not freezing and getting wet.

Fiona hasn't managed to give me a heart attack yet with her driving, she's actually doing ok ,it's just scary being in the passenger seat while she learns and makes mistakes.Tomorrow she has a lesson on the freeway, so avoid the 405 at 5pm for those that live here.

Here are the 3 great questions /statements that were asked by others to me re illness, hopefully they'll make you laugh.

1. Asked by my cousins husband, so how do you think you caught this; my response, oh I don't know probably from the toilet seat.
2. By my mum, one of the smartest people I know, "well it's a virus", talking about cancer of coarse.
3.The cutest and said by my friends 5 year old, "Karen i think I know why you got sick, you ate too much Halloween candy". He may be right there.

Well it is after 1am and I can't sleep but better try.

DONE, FINISHED

Yes, I'm done. I can't believe this part is over and I am done,done,done,hopefully never to be repeated again. It really has been an ordeal and probably the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I've endured chemo a total of 11 times over 6 months and have had 4 different drugs during that time. The average treatments are usually between 4 and 6 times, so I've had double the average. The goal of doing chemo first was to kill the cancer hard and fast and hopefully that is exactly what has happened, we will know when the pathology results come back at surgery.

Meanwhile I have a few weeks to get stronger, relax,and get ready for part 2. I am really looking forward to my time off prior to surgery, time to catch up, get ready for xmas, not work, spend time with friends all between lots more Dr appointments, MRI,echocariogram and repeat mammogram.

Many times during these past 6 months i've managed to put a brave face on, but without fiona and some great friends it really would have been unbearable. Times like this are when you find out who your true friends are.I also work with some amazing people who have been very generous and supportive.

So on this happy note, I am going to enjoy my time off and revel in no more chemo.

Almost done

                                                                     MARTINI TIME 

Sorry, I know it's been a long time since  I wrote anything. Well since the last time we spoke I have received another treatment, had my usual week of feeling like crap and am presently in the phase of feeling well, although I still don't have my usual energy, my energy level that is before chemo started. I am looking forward to not feeling so tired all the time.

My last treatment is November 13th and I honestly am so looking forward to this being over. I absolutely HATE the treatments and each one feels harder than the last. I put a good face on and try to get on with things but sometimes I really want to curl up in a ball and will it all away,and it will be soon. Of course after all the chemo fun I have to have surgery, again another thing to look forward to, NOT. My date is Dec 10th and I have decided on a double mastectomy. The reason for the double is my left side already shows calcified areas that they wanted to recheck after the MRI, my chance of another cancer in that side is 20% and I just don't want to live in fear all the time of getting it again. Emotionally having surgery will be hard because breasts are part of being a woman and all the fun things that go along with it. Also there will never be any sensation there after they create new ones. 

I have been working pretty much full time recently but am still really wiped out in the evenings, I am however going to take some time off before my surgery to get a little stronger. I'll be off for about 3 months, by the time I'm ready to go back to work I'll not know what to do any more as it's been six months since I worked on the floor. I can't believe it's been that long already, but I was diagnosed end May and started treatments early June.

Well since I last wrote, I turned a year older and I guess I should celebrate that, although chemo I think has made me look years older. All birthdays will now be ones to celebrate and be grateful for. I had a wonderful surprise dinner celebration organized by friends at work, so that was really nice. They then surprised me with a huge card and said that they were collecting for a trip away somewhere. Amazing. I work with great people and I am blown away by their thoughtfulness. So I have something to look forward to when this is all over. 

Dawn Marie and I , the old cronies that we are, went to see Tina Turner a few weeks ago, she is still so energetic and looks great at 69 (tina turner that is). It was a fun concert. Fiona is still trying to drive, although I've not given her too much opportunity yet to practice. Emotionally she says she's doing ok and I have to take that at face value. She appears ok and has the usual 16 year old attitude. 

Well only 5 more days till last chemo :) 

Karen

Done

Can't sleep and decided I'd write a few lines.  Feel like crap, look like crap and wish this was all over.  There that says it all.

Will write more when in better spirits!

5th cycle

Yes, yes I know it has been a while since I wrote anything, same old excuses as I always give. I had my 5 th cycle almost 2 weeks ago, adriamycin and cytoxan which were new drugs to me. I was pretty nauseated for quite a few days, and really really fatigued, took all my effort just to get off the couch and shower. The fatigue lasted about a week but not as severe as it was initially. All in all I am feeling great and I now know I have one week of feeling like crap but 2 weeks of feeling well which feels so good. I think with the first 4 cycles I got used to just feeling well when I got hit again;at least this time I have extra time to recover. The only other side effects I am /have experienced is occasional numbness to my toes, change in nail color and texture to my nails, hot flashes and chemo brain, at least I can blame my forgetfulness on that anyway. There is now light at the end of the tunnell, I've had a total of 8 chemo treatments and only 3 more to go.

I am still working usually at least 50-72 hours a pay period( every 2 weeks), yes I miss looking after patients but it is also nice to work for a while in an area with no stress. At least at work I have something to occupy my mind, at home I'd be staring at the walls and feeling sorry for myself, so I am glad I am able to work at the moment.

I saw the plastic surgeon last week and he seemed nice but more importantly I saw pictures that helped me come to terms a little more as to what to expect. Surgery is scheduled for dec 10th 7.30am bright and early!

I am so grateful for all the support and help I have received, gardening, meals and transporting Fiona, to general concern and well wishes.

I became an Aunt today, my step sister had a little baby boy, unfortunately we won't be able to see him for a while as she lives in Scotland.

Fiona is still doing well, seems to be enjoying school, continues with cross country and started driving school last night and looking forward to actually driving.
I'll keep you all informed of any new developments.

4th cycle over

 I've been getting nagged at "hey you haven't written in your blog for a while." Yes, sorry, every night I say to myself I must write, but to be honest I feel that I'm

 repeating myself over and over again and that it sounds rather boring, also when at school I didn't pay attention in my typing class and only type about 1 word a minute. Okay enough of the excuses!

So, cycle 4 is now over and done with. The first treatment went ok with just the usual fatigue, some nausea and abdominal pain/ epigastric area. I was really dreading the 2nd part and every time I thought about it I felt sick, still do at times, it's like Pavlov's dog response. Anyway it was better than I expected with only the actual day of chemo being the worst, vomiting several times with horrible epigastric pain again, however the next few days were better with little N/V, and generally feeling not too bad. The white cells are staying high with the 2 different medications I take, neupogen and neulasta, the hemoglobin dropped again, but I have no doubt that it'll come back up by the time of my next cycle. I've been eating like a pig, (when I feel nauseated eating carbs seems to help, potatoes, bread, ice cream..etc) so I need to start watching as I don't want to gain too much weight.  I  also haven't done any exercise and am now totally sedentary at work and not walking the 2 miles at least that we do when working so that doesn't help much. I really would like to get enough energy back to go and run, exercise a little at least.

These next 4 cycles are now every 3 weeks, starting on the 11th. Drug names for those who are interested, are Adriamycin and cytoxan (lovely name ie. toxic), they've been around  for years in the treatment of breast and other cancers. One of the most common side effects are nausea/vomiting (N/V ) just what I love... not.  I think I can tolerate most things but I HATE N/V. They give pretty large doses of steroids to help with the side effects so hopefully it works. I'll let you know next time. Until then I am enjoying just feeling well. It's amazing how much we take feeling well and having energy for granted, how I would love to run another marathon right now!

Well Fiona is now back at school, 2 days in and she's already commenting on how she wishes it were summer again. It is going to be a difficult year with chemistry, geometry and her other subjects, so hopefully she's handle it, especially with her extra responsibilities at home when I am sick. She is also starting driving lessons at the end of the month, scary. I still think they need to change the driving age to 18 but that's an ER nurse talking. The whole idea of her in a car freaks me out, so I am not doing any of the teaching, at least for the moment anyway. She's off to her school dance tonight and looking to check out all the guys or hotties as she calls them, god am I old!

Ok bloggers that's enough for tonight. Hope you are all well, till next time.